Toilet Wars: The Prologue

UN Headquarters, New York City….
2027
Deep within the vast complex of the United Nations Headquarters, a conference room known to few and entered by even fewer, was in absolute pandemonium caused by belligerence of shadowy birth.[
“Alright, I believe everybody who needs to be here is, so let’s start. Chief Master Sergeant Jesse Thompson, United States Air Force,” an athletic, yet pudgy young man with cropped black hair declared, standing up.” As you all know, something has attacked America, Canada, and Europe, leaving hundreds of thousands dead or displaced, and we don’t know, as of today, just what it is exactly, other than the fighting is done by a menagerie of unmanned robots. On a reconnaissance mission in the Bering Sea, we found a rather battered specimen, rebuilt it to the best of our ability, and have it housed at Fort Worth for further examination. In addition to an international team of experts, we have two eyewitnesses who can help me confirm my suspicions that we are fighting a war on both the land, air, and sea. If you wish to speak, please stand, state your name, and what you have discovered.”

“Ja, Löjtnant Roger Jörgensson, Swedish Navy, “and a tall, good looking man with thick blond hair and friendly blue eyes rose, making a few of the women in attendance swoon. “ We thought at first it was the Russians spying on us…again, but sonar indicated  it was much bigger than any submarine, even the Typhoon class,” he said, and gave a file to Thompson.

“Hmmm…different design, most likely nuclear powered. I believe we got one of the smaller machines, powered by three imitation Merlin 1D’s; you can tell because one of the bolts is just slightly out of place,” he murmured, poring over the image.” If I had to approximate I’d say it’s about sixty long tons and six hundred and fifty feet, with a speed of twenty nine knots.”

“They are also, as you said, attacking by land,” a mousy voice added, and a small, scrawny man with neatly combed hair the color of sloe stood, polishing a round pair of spectacles. “Eirikur Godafrid, geologist from Nunavut, which was recently struck by a magnitude eight earthquake, surpassing the Baffin Bay quake of 1933 as the most powerful shaking to ever strike north of the Arctic Circle. Thank God that it has such a low population, no real injuries or damage occurred. What makes this an anomaly is that the focus was incredibly shallow, perhaps three miles down. Normally, that would produce a quake that only machines could pick up, but this was one that would devastate an urban region; it was felt as far south as Virginia and as far west as Alaska. It defies all laws of geology, and no matter how unlikely it seems, I must conclude that it is manmade. Now, man can induce seismic activity by placing stress on a fault line or triggering movement along it, but rarely is their magnitude that high; the only case that comes to mind would be the 2008 Sichuan earthquake.”

“And what we need to know now is just how it came about. An oscillator, possibly?”
“Frank Godafrid, a whaler from Greenland, on the FV Matilde Køhler, or I was; she capsized, leaving me and the cook surviving. About a month ago, we were doing a standard hunt, and thought we had spotted it a Minke whale, but when it rose, it was much bigger, the size of six blue whales, I’d say “a short, stocky boy of perhaps nineteen said, brushing his straight black hair from his eyes. “Immediately, we knew that it wasn’t anything natu-“

“Whales?!Uck, what a barbarian! You’re absolutely insane, wiping innocent animals off the face of the earth! You people are monsters! ”Shrieked a reedy, foppish blonde who gave a theatrical roll of his green eyes. “Bailey Valentine, junior senator from California. “

“Oh…you,” Thompson muttered disgustedly. “Moving on…We sliced off a good section of the hull to send to internationally recognized experts for analysis, and ran tests ourselves. Now, if I could please hear the results.”

“I’m Curtis Brauer, ballistics expert for the Bundeskriminalamt,and this is my sister, Angela Van der Graf, who works for the Association Dutch Chemical Industry.” A man with bushy brown sideburns said, as he and a slightly younger woman with golden blonde hair stood up to their rather impressive heights.” We sliced the hull into small segments, and set off everything but an atom bomb, and it held, indicating its immense strength. Next, we set it in a pressure chamber to see at what level it would be crushed at, but even at one fPa, which is the lowest level achieved by man.”

“That’s also lower than that of the moon and Mercury, indicating that whoever designed it intends to conduct battle in even the most extreme of environments, perhaps even the Inner Solar System, “Thompson thought aloud.

“After running some tests, I conclude that the robot recovered has a layered hull of tungsten, maraging steel, titanium, and Inconel, a super alloy typically used in nuclear reactors and turbines; not even Fluoroantimonic acid, which is a super acid with a pH of negative 12 could penetrate it, indicating that it has an outer layer of Polytetrafluoroethylene; when we tried to melt through it, the acid was vaporized into hydrogen fluoride.,” Angela said, and she and her brother sharing a brown eyed expression of concern.
“This is truly an enemy like nothing the world has seen before, and even worse, we have no idea who’s behind it. If I were to take a guess, it has to be someone with access to and a reason to attack the western world,”  Jörgensson commented.

“Oh it gets worse,” a petite blond woman noted, standing up elegantly, a file dangling from her pink fingertips.” Doctor Lenore Tähtinen, Finland. There has been a spike in patients with acute radiation poisoning, and in turn, cancers of all sorts, even in those with very low risks. At least forty percent had fourth degree beta burns not only on their exterior, but also in the respiratory and digestive systems. The burns literally went through to the bone, charring the skin black; necrosis had set in for 23 patients, and at least ten people were dead when I left for this meeting,” she said, and at least one attendant left in fitful squeamishness.

“That would indicate it would be an enemy with access to nuclear material. My top three suspects would be Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, “Brauer said.” Again, we need to prepare ourselves best we can against an invasion and step up our game to defeat this, whoever it is…”
“Ugh! Don’t you know fighting isn’t the answer? Look at what western arrogance and imperialism has done for us! Making those three an enemy based on just a tiny fraction of the population is pure hate! We should befriend whoever they are and respect them and their culture! Besides, I say we deserve it; we need to be accepting of people who try to introduce diversity by giving us a bit of their world, and it’s wrong to not do so.” Valentine moaned with a limp gesture of his hands.

“That is the biggest bunch of lies I have ever heard!” a thin, pale, homely man who stood taller than  Jörgensson or Brauer grunted, shaking his stringy black hair from his face.

“Who are you supposed to represent, huh? Siberia?”

“Edgar Morozov, botanist and current governor of Svalbard, a demilitarized archipelago in the Arctic which was invaded! We lost over a quarter of our population fighting, not only the militia I threw together in ten minutes, but civilians. If you were any type of leader, you would be out there fighting man to man, or man to machine for your wife and children-“
“First off, person to person! Second off, don’t –“
“-but you only care about people when it comes to reelection! In
case you haven’t noticed, we are up against an unknown aggressor, and we cannot allow ourselves to grow complacent. I agree with Thompson and Brauer; there are likely suspects based on history, and we have to not only upgrade, but grow whatever defensive forces we possess, and I don’t want to hear whatever rebuttal you have!” he growled, and reached for the dilapidated looking hunting rifle he had been oiling during the presentations, aiming it at Valentine, who shrieked once more.

“Cool it you two! “Thompson warned. “No matter how much a service you would do.”
“The real tragedy is if he misses,” Brauer smirked, and both Thompson and  Jörgensson had to gulp down the sporadic burst of laughter forming in their throats.

“Alright, we know all we do at this point, and I can consider this meeting adjourned. Thank you all for taking time out of your schedules and coming here; we’re all now informed and we can now start preparing for what may be the deadliest war of the 21st century,” Thompson announced. “And while I would have never believed it, and as silly as it sounds, it’s true…Toilets are taking over the world….”